How to Deal with Parents Who Impose Their Values on Adult Children

Sep 1

Written By Jack

As an adult, you may have your own values, beliefs, and goals that differ from those of your parents. You may also have your own lifestyle, career, and relationship choices that your parents may not approve of or understand. However, some parents may have a hard time accepting that their adult children are independent and autonomous individuals who can make their own decisions. They may try to impose their values and expectations on their adult children, or criticize and judge them for not following their advice or wishes. This can create a lot of tension and conflict in the parent-adult child relationship, and leave the adult child feeling disrespected, invalidated, and frustrated.

If you are an adult child who is struggling with parents who impose their values on you, here are some tips on how to deal with this situation:

Respect one another’s boundaries1. You have the right to set boundaries with your parents about what topics are off-limits, how often you communicate, and how much information you share with them. You also have the right to say no to their requests or demands that go against your values or preferences. At the same time, you need to respect your parents’ boundaries as well, and not try to change their views or opinions. Boundaries are essential for maintaining a healthy and respectful relationship between parents and adult children.
Speak to one another like adults1. Having spent decades in communication with each other, parents and adult children risk falling into age-inappropriate communication patterns. You may revert to your childhood roles of being obedient or rebellious, or your parents may treat you like a child who needs their guidance or protection. To avoid this, you need to speak to one another like adults, using respectful and assertive language, listening actively, and acknowledging each other’s feelings and perspectives. You also need to avoid name-calling, blaming, guilt-tripping, or manipulating each other.
Take responsibility for the relationship1. Both parents and adult children hold responsibility for shaping, maintaining, and managing the relationship. You cannot control how your parents behave or react, but you can control how you respond to them. You can choose to be honest, respectful, and compassionate with them, even if you disagree with them. You can also choose to seek professional help if you feel that the relationship is too strained or toxic for you to handle on your own.
Learn constructive conflict1. Conflict is inevitable in any relationship, especially when there are differences in values or expectations. However, conflict can be constructive or destructive depending on how you handle it. Constructive conflict involves expressing your feelings and needs clearly, listening to the other person’s point of view, finding common ground, and compromising when possible. Destructive conflict involves attacking the other person’s character, dismissing their feelings and needs, escalating the argument, and refusing to cooperate. To deal with conflict constructively with your parents, you need to use “I” statements instead of “you” statements, focus on the issue rather than the person, avoid generalizations and exaggerations, and seek solutions rather than blame.
Seek support from others2. Dealing with parents who impose their values on you can be emotionally draining and stressful. You may feel isolated, misunderstood, or guilty for having different values or choices from your parents. That’s why it’s important to seek support from others who can empathize with you, validate your feelings, and offer you advice or encouragement. You can reach out to your friends, siblings, partner, therapist, or other trusted people who can help you cope with this situation.